Why we need to stop assuming non-binary people only go by they/them pronouns

Well-meaning people of the world: it's time to stop assuming that non-binary people only go by they/them pronouns.

If that applies to you, allow us to shatter your illusions. It's simply not true that all non-binary people go by one set of pronouns – some even identify as both male and female.

Just ask Corven Uy, an out and proud non-binary artist, who just so happens to go by he, she, and they pronouns.

Speaking to VT, Corven, of Muntinlupa, Philippines, explains: “That's what being non-binary is - identifying with more than one gender or none at all. Being non-binary doesn't mean that you don't identify as a man or woman. You can be non-binary and identify as both or neither or just somewhere in between.

Credit: Corven Uy

“The thing is with non-binary people is that we're very different. We identify as somewhere between the spectrum of gender, and reducing non-binary people to just people who identify as they/them - that puts us in the binary.”

She also clarifies: “It doesn't really conform to the binary since it still puts me in between the gender spectrum.”

The reason that Corven personally goes by multiple pronouns is simply because she identifies with more than one gender.

She says: “Non-binary people can identify as she/they, he/they, they/them, or like me he/she/they/them. He/she is still non-binary since I identify with more than one gender which is he/she.”

Credit: Corven Uy

While Corven knew that he experienced gender differently to his peers, he didn’t always have a name to describe his identity.

He tells us: “I first came out as a gay man when I was 16, but ever since I was a kid I didn't always feel like I identified as a man exclusively. Like I've always been uncomfortable when I go to the men’s restroom, I didn't mind when people would say I look like a girl.”

Corven continues: “The way I wanted to dress was different. Around the time I was 18 and I got more immersed within the queer community, I thought to myself that maybe I’m a trans woman. So I entertained the thought, but I realised that I still like my masculine side. I like having muscles”.

He soon discovered that identifying with aspects of femininity didn’t necessarily negate his more masculine traits.

Credit: Corven Uy

Corven adds: “I remember seeing this article about an androgynous model who models as a man or a woman and sometimes both when I was a kid and I thought to myself: that's me.”

For the first time, Corven felt represented. And as she researched further into androgyny, she came across the word “non-binary”. Needless to say, she felt an instant affinity with the word.

The thing is, identifying with he and/or she pronouns as well as they/them pronouns is actually more common than people think.

Elliot Page, who came out as trans in December 2020, was one of the first high-profile LGBTQ+ figures to show mainstream society that they/them and he/him pronouns are not mutually exclusive.

When The Umbrella Academy actor bravely shared his story in a candid post on Instagram at the end of last year, he told his fans that he now goes by he and they.

Credit: Corven Uy

In any case, it certainly hasn’t all been plain sailing for Corven, who has faced their fair share of hardships.

One struggle that is very common within the trans community is gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria refers to the inner turmoil that some trans people feel due to aspects of their physical appearance not aligning with their gender identity – in the way that society views gender.

Interestingly, despite the fact that Corven identifies with more than one gender, they have also experienced gender dysphoria.

They explain: “I feel like my gender dysphoria is very confusing since I identify as both genders and somewhere in between. I sometimes look in the mirror and be like ‘oh I look feminine but that's good - oh but I also want to look masculine too’.

“When it comes to working out, I want to have a huge muscled body but I also want to be little enough to look feminine. It's like going back and forth with these thoughts. I want to look like that but can't because I would be sacrificing another feature I like.”

Credit: Corven Uy

Corven’s bouts of gender dysphoria certainly aren’t helped by the fact that there is still a lot of ignorance in society where trans issues are concerned. In fact, the fashionista has had her fair share of "judgy looks", "icy stares", and "catcalls" from perfect strangers.

She goes on to tell VT that “not even the queer community knows much about non-binary people and I myself was guilty of this in the past. That's why we need to talk more about being non-binary. We need more representation in the media.”

Corven adds: “Non-binary is such a wide spectrum and we non-binary people are so different from each other and also need that to be represented.”

Evidently, we still have a long way to go as far as being inclusive of people of all genders is concerned. And we also have a hell of a lot to learn about the many nuances of non-binary experiences.

But if you want to learn more about how to be a better ally for non-binary people, please do check out this 10-step guide by Stonewall.

Follow Corven on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok.

Featured image credit: DWD-Comp / Alamy Stock Photo